With all the hype around my first blog entry, I figured that my second entry better be just as good or better. So without further ado, here is my countdown of the twenty worst musical artists and their worst songs of all time.
20. Hall & Oates – So Close
I want to tell you exactly why this song kicks off my worst song list, but it’s not quite coming to me. Oh, I remember now, no wait, I can’t quite get it. It’s in there – it’s in my mind. It’s frustrating – it is so close, but so far away. The race for this position was also so close, but alas, not all of Hall & Oates’ songs could make it into the top twenty, so I chose this one.
19. Guns and Roses – Sweet Child of Mine
I learned as a kid that you sometimes need lights and music in your sweet corn field or else the raccoons will devastate your crop. My grandparents liked to play talk radio in the field to keep them away. Me? I would have chosen anything by G&R. I mean, even the lead singer’s name sounds grinding and irritating beyond all belief. I don’t think the raccoons could have endured listening to this and I would have been able to enjoy all that sweet corn of mine.
18. N*SYNC – God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You
This travesty occurred when teenage girls abandoned what tiny bit of sanity they actually had and embraced the least talented of the boy bands that broke out in the late 90’s. Not only is the song title ridiculously long, but if you are ever forced to listen to the song you will finally understand the meaning of eternity. Plus I would put a devil’s curse on anything that helped launch the career of Justin Timberlake.
17. Celine Dion – That’s the Way it Is
With Celine’s career stuck now in Vegas with all the other untalented and grating artists, we can all breathe easier knowing she’s not putting out anything new for a while. Back in the day, though, she was the hottest thing to come out of
16. The Beatles – She Loves You (Yeah Yeah Yeah)
Not only did these guys dominate the airwaves during my parents’ formative years, they dominated our stereos during my childhoods as well as Dad was always in control of the tunes. Sure their songs could be catchy, but catchy doesn’t equal good – especially in a song where half the words are “yeah.”
15.
In a countdown about the worst songs of all time it’s hard to leave off the final one. I have a game for you – see how many songs by
14. Bonnie Raitt – Something to Talk About
You want something to talk about? How about any person who intentionally puts this song on to play suddenly and mysteriously disappears, only for their lifeless bodies to reappear in a river missing all of their fingers? Yeah, that’s a bit harsh, but I cannot possibly describe the torture of listening to this song without mentioning dead bodies and missing extremities.
13. Eminem – Cleaning Out My Closet
Not enough can be said about the disturbing lack of talent, common sense, compassion and mental stability of Eminem; but then to even discuss it brings credibility to this disgusting excuse for a human being. In this song he rants on his mother. In other songs he goes off on his wife/ex-wife/wife/ex-wife. The only reason he isn’t listed higher in this countdown is I fear the incompetent backlash from other pathetic white boys living a lie.
12. Sister Sledge – We Are Family
Yes, yes. You are family. You’ve got all your sisters with you. Everybody is hugging and has their arms around each other while they dance and smile and sport the worst stereotypical haircuts from each respective decade. This song is timeless only in the fact that time seems to stop every time I am forced to hear it at a wedding. In fact, it would easily make my Twenty Worst Wedding Songs countdown. By the way, who can sing more than two lines of this song? Anyone?
11. Third Eye Blind – How’s It Going To Be
Tell me what is more infuriating: that this band was made famous by the Great White Jackass Explosion of the 90’s, or the fact that this guy’s whiny voice somehow turns women on the whole country over. These guys were emo before emo was popular. This song was the big payoff of their first album which featured songs about breakups, drugs, and breakups involving drugs. And it was part of a long line of songs that incorrectly used the word “oblivion” just because it sounded cool. Nice try, but Mike Tyson is the one who made the word cool.
10. matchbox20 –
Did someone say “Great White Jackass Explosion of the 90’s?” These guys defined it. How did one band whose songs all sounded the same become so popular? (Oh wait, I already covered the Beatles.) Overplayed and underwhelming is probably what the official flag of matchbox20 should say. There might not be much to hate, but there sure isn’t much to like either.
9. Elvis – All Shook Up
Now this was a hard one to pick. How can you choose just one Elvis song to exemplify all that is terrible and boring about the musical artist? In the end you could stick any of his songs up there. This guy was just a solo example of the first boy band to make it big on celebrity alone and not musical talent. One day we’ll elect our presidents this way. (Oh wait again, we already do?)
8. Aqua – Barbie Girl
Die! Die! Die! Why won’t this song die? It’s like an audio assault on my brain. Barbie girl, Barbie world, Ahhhh! Is this what they have been playing for those poor terrorists in
7. Nickelback – Rockstar
It’s always sad when your favorite band sells out and starts playing “mainstream” music, but Nickelback fans have to watch them sell out with each new album release. And each time it gets worse and worse. Unfortunately I have nothing funny to say about it because it’s just sickening. And their anthem Rockstar is a wonderful portrayal of an average American teenager’s dream to become a famous, drug-addicted a$$hole.
6. Gwen Stefani – Holla Back Girl
Selecting a worst Gwen Stefani song was a breeze – it’s like picking your favorite color of white – you can’t go wrong! But it really was easy. When Stefani was at the peak of her powers and insanity she put four Japanese girls into her music videos and pretended they were enough to make the songs good. They were not. I just kept hoping that the Japanese girls were part of some kind of fetish and that they would accidentally choke Gwen to death because she forgot the safe word. No such luck.
5. B52’s – Love Shack
What a dreadful combination of female and male voices the B52’s made. And what a dreadful song they made as well. What exactly is the Love Shack? And don’t tell me it’s a little old place where we can get together. Is it a place for parties? Is it a place where people just get together for random hookups? Are they doing Ecstasy there? I can’t decide if I want to go. But trust me, if I have to hear your song one more time then the Love Shack will be a little old place where I dump your bodies. And I won’t forget my jukebox money.
4. Backstreet Boys – I Want It That Way
You are my fire, my one desire. Believe when I say, I want it that way. Oh no, this cannot be happening! This song is not actually on this countdown. This song is awesome! Tell me why-y? I demand a do-over!
4. Creed – With Arms Wide Open
Enough with your feel-good rock songs! Do you want people to rock, or do you want them to cry about your hard rock emo? And what’s with the religious undertones? We know the lead singer was a choir boy, so is this a Christian band? Nope, because you can’t sell religion in your mainstream rock band so let’s pussyfoot around it. And please stop playing that nasty song you wrote for your baby boy, it’s awful. So Creed, please take the Higher road and don’t make My Sacrifice be listening to your pompous yelling anymore.
3. Ricky Martin – Livin’ La Vida Loca
All I have typed is the title and this song is already raging through my brain. The release of this song happened to coincide with my high school graduation. I specifically remember writing thank you notes to everyone at my party while this song blared in the background. I remember thinking that there aren’t many women who could make me take my clothes off and go dancing in the rain, so this chick must be pretty darn loca, and hot. But she wasn’t, she actually turned out to be a gay Hispanic dude that release a handful more songs that all became brain viruses that could not even be escaped years later when some Asian guy who couldn’t even sing brought one of them back to life. She bangs, she bangs!
2. Alanis Morisette – Ironic
Out of all of the female artists and all of their songs, I do not believe there is an entire catalogue I detest more than Alanis’s. Forget Barbie Girl, this is what they play in prison camps to make the terrorist talk. Who can stand to listen to her whiny voice for more than three or four excruciating seconds at a time? It’s strange to think that something this offensive could come from Canada, but then we already discussed Celine. I can remember starting junior high and listening to Alanis during art class. I remember thinking “if this is what life has in store for me, we need to just end it right here.” Fortunately I didn’t; unfortunately neither did Alanis.
1. Santana featuring Rob Thomas – Smooth
Here we are. The worst song ever recorded. It combines Carlos Santana – an old guitar-playing Mexican guy who used to be popular in the 70’s and wasted many a stoner’s hours with guitar solos that not even the die hard, brain damaged fans could enjoy – and Rob Thomas, the lead singer of mathcbox20. When this number came out you knew it would be the death of us all, and it was as it launched the second career of Santana’s Pothead Guitar Solos and the solo career of Rob Thomas – the mastermind behind such hits as mathbox20’s Back To Good, which put the best of aficionados to sleep. The worst part is this song sat on top of the Adult Contemporary charts for 26 weeks – half a year! No human being this side of the Amazon forest could escape its wrath. If I had known about how much of a stress reliever cutting yourself was, I would have started back during this song’s reign. But then it’s probably good I didn’t or I probably would have sliced off four of my limbs before it was over (don’t ask me how that’s possible).
So that’s it. That’s the countdown for today. Hope you hated it as much as I did.
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