Sixteen Worst Countries

Given the immense success and popularity of my latest countdown blog entry, I am back for more with my list of the sixteen worst countries.

16. England
Congratulations, eight and a half billion viewers watched your money go to waste marrying off the horse-faced future powerless leader of your country. Enjoy your high taxes that help pay for the palace that your figure-heads live in. Here in America we don’t need a king and queen. That’s why we kicked your butts in the revolutionary war. U-S-A! U-S-A!

15. Luxembourg
A friend of mine met a girl from Luxembourg on a plane once. Long story short, they never dated and never met again, for which I blame her nation of origin and vow revenge. Watch your back, you mothers!

14. France
Yeah, I know it’s easy to make fun of France and put them in a countdown like this because they are weak, never shower, drink only wine, are inconsiderate, arrogant, rude, lazy, bossy, snotty, unfaithful, unbearable, obnoxious, quick to surrender, self-important mimes. But I just think their flag is a rip-off of the Iowa flag. Get your own colors, euro trash!

13. Netherlands
I’m sorry, but by making every drug under the sun legal in Amsterdam you have made your country the Mecca of every loser stoner in my country. And by Mecca I don’t mean a place that they all go once in their lifetimes, I just mean a place that they would go if they had any money that wasn’t immediately blown on low quality Mary Jane grown in the ditch of a gravel road in rural Oklahoma. But according to my high school classmate Jeff he would be able to go if they just legalized pot in the USA, man, and then made it not just legal, but man like if they paid you to do it he would be like rich and then he would fly like all over the world, man, right? And he would help starving children in Africa and stuff by legalizing pot everywhere, man.

12. Haiti
As an employee of XYZ Insurance, I used to be interested in the untapped Haitian earthquake insurance market. I’m going to go ahead and say that idea is a no-go at this point.

11. Somalia
Where did these pirates come from all of a sudden? Just one day I’m watching the news and apparently some Somali pirates took over a ship. And then again and again they kept taking Western prisoners. Back in the day it would have been pretty cool, and even today it would be cool if these were the kind of pirates that used swords, parrots and eye patches. But instead they use guns now and wear torn clothes and look more pathetic on TV than the Pittsburgh Pirates.

10. United Arab Emirates
These guys are just the worst. Have you ever tried to fill out applications online and have to input your country? Sometimes USA is listed at the top, but sometimes you have to search through a list of 200 countries to find it. Then you think you got it when you see “United,” so you select it, only to find out later that you picked the wrong country thanks to these losers. Thanks a lot for making America #2 you jerks.

9. Iraq
Not sure how to make light of what has gone on in this country for eight years. I mean with the Sunnis, the Shiites and the Kurds there is infighting between different sects of the same religion. How does that make sense? That would be like if there was a country where Catholics and Protestants fight it out, which would of course be ridiculous…

8. Pakistan
Really? You didn’t know Osama Bin Laden was hiding out in your country? It’s not like he was in the mountains – he was hiding in the suburbs. He had a nice house with people coming and going. I think he even had a DirecTV satellite on the roof. Yeah, and he ordered the I Hate America channel package with HD, and even though HD costs an extra five dollars a month, he thought it was worth it. So don’t try to tell me you didn’t know where he was.

7. South Korea
Here in America we have a history of discriminating against people based on skin color. While it may be wrong, at least it makes some kind of sense. In Korea they discriminate based on a North/South designation. Just because of the direction that people are born they either get to have electricity and cool stuff, or they get to be poor and have a crazy-a$$ dictator. Have you seen one of those nighttime satellite images of the Korean peninsula where the South is all lit up and the North is dark? Grow up, South Korea, at least in the North they are communist so they know how to share.

6. Canada
Yeah, I still haven’t forgiven them for Celine Dion and Alanis Morisette. And Of Montreal sucks too.

5. Kenya
Yeah, I used to run… when I was eight! The Boston marathon and New York City Marathon are American races. Would it kill you just once to let an American win in my lifetime? Or are you going to keep hoarding all that money and taking it back to your country full of runners’ prize money mansions in the desert?

4. Colombia
Are you trying to tell me that after all these years this country hasn’t found a better way to get their main export to the United States except to go through Mexico? And Colombia would be such a great touristy place if it wasn’t for all the kidnappings and murders. Clean up your act and maybe look for a more efficient distribution channel that doesn’t involve [redacted].

3. Australia
“Come on, mate. What’s wrong with us, mate? Why are we on this countdown, mate? Give us a break, mate.” Yeah, I’ll give you a break just as soon as you take back Russell Crowe and stop spending all day f*7king kangaroos. “Actually, those are wallabies, mate.”

2. India
They took our jobs!

1. Mexico
[redacted]