Friday, August 26, 2016

Potential Johnson Donor Linked to Terrorism, Organized Crime



Potential Johnson Donor Linked to Terrorism, Organized Crime

                With the upcoming presidential election in full force and third party candidates on the cusp of entering the debates, the Huffington Post conducted an investigation of a prospective Gary Johnson donor.  For those who do not know, if the presidential hopeful amasses a support of 15% in five specific polls, he will be included in the presidential debates this fall.  This could be potentially devastating to Hillary Clinton as disenfranchised democrat voters have been flocking to third party candidates as a way to show their lack of support for the democratic nominee.
                The potential libertarian donor, one Dustin O., has at a point in the past considered donating upwards of $3 to the Johnson campaign in hopes of helping him reach the coveted 15%.  Aside from the obvious misogyny of helping any male candidate defeat the first female to ever receive the nomination of a major political party, the donor himself has some troubling – if not disturbing – ties to al Qaeda, the mafia and Mexican drug cartels.
                During the Post’s investigations it was found that while O. has not himself left the country, his close acquaintances and family have traveled to likely hotspots of terrorist activity and crime.  O.’s parents were the first to come under scrutiny when it was found that they had spent copious amounts of time in the general vicinity of known drug cartels in Mexico.  They are on record as having spent weeks in luxurious resorts that reside in the area of the cartels’ sphere of influence.  Ownership of the resorts has not been verified, but could easily be linked to drug kingpins if the owners are indeed from Mexico.  Other evidence uncovered shows that O.’s mother has in the past been registered as a republican.
                Continuing the theme of family ties to troubling facts, O.’s brother has also traveled to flagged areas of the world.  In the past eight years the brother has traveled to many different countries, including but not limited to India (a country in close proximity to terrorist hotbed Pakistan) and a quick stop in the Middle East where his whereabouts for nearly six hours are unaccounted for.  O.’s brother and his sister in law have also splurged for multiple “vacations” in Switzerland, where it is known that some of the most affluent Middle Eastern men with terrorist ties keep bank accounts.
                If that weren’t enough, O. also associates on a near daily basis with one of the most dangerous men this reporter has ever researched.  His acquaintance, known only as V., is a Russian born immigrant with ties to nearly every enemy the United States has.  V. has not only ties to Putin, as evidenced by a trip he took to Russian in the early 2010s, but has had secret meetings with associates from Putin’s regime in Turkey (another known hideout for al Qaeda operatives) and Seattle.  The likely devastating relationships developed by O.’s acquaintance V. are astounding.
                Finally, after a review of O.’s assets, a seriously alarming trend evolved.  O.’s search history has included not only the health of the democratic candidate Clinton, but of pictures of known liar and man who caused troubling relations between the U.S. and a South American giant, Ryan Lochte’s hair.  Aside from the obvious misogyny involved with thinking that Clinton is in anything other than perfect health, these searches show how twisted the mind of a Johnson donor can be.
                While O. was not reached for questioning for this investigation, those who have associated with him not that he has admitted to such atrocities as visiting mafia owned casinos in Las Vegas and voting for George W. Bush twice.  Hillary Clinton has faced an uphill battle her whole career, and it seems she will have to face another as fringe candidates feature supporters as vile as this one.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Sanders, Clinton Debate Politics Stuff



Sanders, Clinton Debate Politics Stuff

MILWAUKEE – The democratic candidates came together in Wisconsin Thursday night in their first debate since Bernie Sanders overwhelmingly won the state primary in New Hampshire.  The debate, hosted by PBS, was the second time that Sanders and Hillary Clinton faced off in a one on one situation.

Clinton entered the stage wearing a yellow jacket – a bold choice that not many people could pull off, but she did so with presidential elegance.  Bernie Sanders arrived on stage wearing a loose fitting suit and his patented Doc Brown hairstyle.  Both candidates had a look of determination in their eyes that could only mean this would be the best debate in history.

The moderators, two women of good standing, were not invasive with their questioning; much like the media reports of the debate afterward weren’t even invasive enough to mention their names.  At press time we regret to inform you that not a single media outlet, including ours, bothered to give them any recognition other that to point out that their genitals matched Clinton’s.

One question that was presented by the moderators was from a young African American woman on Facebook.  She said that race relations had worsened over the last eight years, to which the 64 year old white female millionaire candidate disagreed.  No one made note of this interesting dynamic.

Sanders also came under criticism after the debate as his talking points were well worn phrases that he had been using for the entire nine months of his campaign.  When Clinton was asked what she would do to fix the healthcare system, she first pointed out that Obamacare’s original name was Hillarycare.  She then laid out an interesting and comprehensive plan that would supplement the one already in place.  Asked for a rebuttal, Sanders replied with only two words: “Free healthcare.”

Sanders would not be stopped, however, as when confronted about college debt Clinton once again laid out a plan followed by a Sanders rebuttal of “Free college.”  In each case the crowd cheered wildly, clapping until their hands fell off and in every instance at least one person fainted from excitement.

One of two topics both candidates absolutely agreed on all night was that South Carolina has a large African American population and those people needed to be temporarily pandered to with the intensity of Homer Simpson at a donut buffet.

The other topic on which both candidates could find common ground was Republicans.  They are nasty, vile people that need to be dealt with swiftly and with great prejudice.  At one point during an indecipherable mumbling rant Clinton may have mentioned concentration camps and gas chambers.  This fact could not be confirmed, however after saying it Sanders immediately shot down the idea, saying, “You guys know I’m not Catholic, right?”

As part of their closing statements, each candidate was told to sum up their message in one single word, Saturday Night Live style.  Clinton and Sanders obliged by summing up their debate with “black people” and “free stuff” respectively.  Neither moderator bothered to point out that these were both more than one word.

The Nevada caucus and South Carolina primary will each be held in segments over the next two weeks.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Cruz, Clinton Win Iowa



Cruz, Clinton Win Iowa

DES MOINES – With 99% of precincts reporting by midnight on Monday, Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton were declared the winners of the Iowa caucuses. While Cruz held a four point lead over second place Donald Trump, Clinton’s victory was much less commanding.

Cruz, the honorary white guy until the other Cuban and the black doctor quit, gave a passionate speech after his victory, praising God and citing scripture, both of which have been mainstays in his campaign for several days since he realized Republicans eat that stuff up.  He thanked volunteers and his supporters, giving them credit for the victory while also completely reversing his libertarian leanings that existed before he declared his run for the presidency.

Marco Rubio, the one who married an NFL cheerleader, also gave a speech thanking supporters and God for his surprise razor thin third place finish behind Trump.  His wife was not in attendance.

Donald Trump, the real loser [of the night], gave an impassioned speech declaring himself well on the way to the nomination and never mentioning the low turnout of support and prediction-defying, disappointing second place finish.  Most notably Mr. Trump was in orange face, presumably to appeal to his orange-faced base of supporters, and was only green hair away from rendering a perfect portrayal of an oompa loompa from the 1971 movie Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

Hillary Clinton’s speech was later in the night as her team waited until she was statistically in a dead heat to declare victory. She made pleas to the audience to stick with her after this win and promised to make college and healthcare free because she knew that if she didn’t she’d lose close to half of her supporters to Bernie Sanders.  During the speech Clinton’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, stood behind her with a dead-eyed, open-mouthed look on his face that showed just how enthused he was to be there in a supporting role.  He did eventually show emotion when the speech was over with a small upward turn of the corners of his mouth, much like a stoner who has heard a good joke but is far too high to laugh.

The last speech of the night was given by Bernie Sanders.  Sanders, the man most of his millennial supporter think is their senile grandfather, was more than pleased with the outcome of the night and declared a shared triumph with his opponent Hillary Clinton.  Sanders, who never grew out of his teenage “gimme gimme” phase, also gave a very long winded speech repeating all of the one liners he rehearsed to make the commercials that are on during your Hulu shows.  His closing lines were his classic and overused declaration that he would tax the 1% to pay for all of his programs.  He then explained that while Clinton had 49.8% of the vote and he had 49.6% of the vote, that left 0.6% for Martin O’Malley.  Sanders’ campaign-long consistently uneducated understanding of mathematics and economics went on to explain that when rounded up, O’Malley had 1% of the vote and that being the 1% he would then also be the person who would be taxed to provide free college for millenials.

The Iowa caucus is the first in a primary and caucus season that will cover all fifty states and Washington, D.C. and will end on Flag Day, June 14th.  The next primary will be in New Hampshire next Tuesday, February 9th.

Friday, January 15, 2016

“Shitburgers & Applesauce”




            “Shitburgers & Applesauce”

Traffic is slammed and I’m driving home
My next turn is right so I forgo the left lane
It works for a minute as the cars seem to flow
Then suddenly there’s a stopped bus in my way
I’m forced to measure the time I’ve lost
In shitburgers and applesauce

It’s Saturday night and I’m looking for fun
My friends won’t commit, none have any plans
I head to church for away from everyone
I get back in 60 minutes; they’ve all gone to dance
I’m out for an hour and then I get tossed?
It’s shitburgers and applesauce

            Shitburgers and applesauce
            No pairing is greater, but call me a hater
            Doesn’t seem bad until happens to you later
            Like a wildcat with thorns in his paws
            Shitburgers and applesauce

                        Don’t be ashamed, we all have to eat, even if it means a cow’s murder
                        The applesauce is complementary, use it to wash down that hairy shitburger

For years we get out early before holidays
All but one – we skip MLK Day
I beg and I request that we end this phase
So I quit THEN they change it, what the hey?
My job and the time off got our paths crossed
It’s more shitburgers and applesauce

            Shitburgers and applesauce
            No pairing is greater, but call me a hater
            Doesn’t seem bad until happens to you later
            Like getting arrested when you broke no laws
            Shitburgers and applesauce

            Shitburgers and applesauce
            No pairing is greater, but call me a hater
            Doesn’t seem bad until happens to you later
            Like starting over when you could have just paused
            Shitburgers and applesauce