CBS’s New Fall Lineup

CBS’s New Fall Lineup

*New Program

MONDAY

7:00 How I Met Your Mother

7:30 Easy Being Green*

8:00 2 Broke Girls

8:30 Mike & Molly

9:00 Hawaii Five-O

TUESDAY

7:00 NCIS

8:00 NCIS: Los Angeles

9:00 Fair is Fair*

WEDNESDAY

7:00 Survivor: Product & Pricing Town Hall*

8:00 Criminal Minds

9:00 CSI

THURSDAY

7:00 The Big Bang Theory

7:30 Two and a Half Men

8:00 Person of Interest

9:00 Twenty Thirty*

FRIDAY

7:00 CSI: NY

8:00 Far From the Tree*

9:00 Blue Bloods

SATURDAY

7:00 Saturday Night Bieber*

8:00 Reruns*

8:30 Reruns Rerun*

9:00 Captain Underpants*

SUNDAY

6:00 60 Minutes: 90 Years*

7:00 The Amazing Race

8:00 The Good Wife

9:00 The Mentalist

New Programs:

Easy Being Green

There’s doing your part for the environment, and then there’s Genevieve Lawson.  With a deep love of the Earth around her, Genevieve makes even strict environmentalists look like beginners.  She sorts her compost, drinks her own well water, and even watches her bicycle-powered TV!  The only problem is her foul-mouthed neighbor Jack who drives a gas-guzzling SUV and tosses beer cans on her lawn.  Will these fellow citizens cause mutual destruction, or is something more interesting in store?

Fair is Fair

Jack Burton is a recently promoted police detective; Samantha Remington is a brand new district attorney.  Together they bring justice to the city of Los Angeles, one perpetrator at a time.  With lighthearted banter these LA powerhouse players make righteousness look easy, but will they both stay married to their careers, or will they find love in a place they never expected?

Survivor: Product & Pricing Town Hall

“Survivor: Product & Pricing Town Hall is the most harrowing of the Survivor series!” -- Entertainment Weekly

“Even after twenty plus seasons, Survivor manages to up the stakes and increase the suspense.” – TV.com

“Will this be the first season that someone dies?  Will there be multiple deaths?  Can anyone survive the entire session??  This season promises to be the most gruesome yet!” – Time Magazine

Twenty Thirty

In 2030, life as we know it will cease to exist, extraterrestrial life will invade, and a blast from the Earth’s past will return.  Jack, Bethany and Lacey are the only known survivors in the remnants of a city that was once Los Angeles before the extinction level meteor hit Earth.  The trio struggles to find food, escape aliens and fend off dinosaurs in this blockbuster series produced by Michael Bay. 

Far From the Tree

After the death of his father, Jack Bellevue Jr., twenty-eight year old Jack “Trey” Bellevue III takes over his auto dealership in a suburb of L.A.  As Trey struggles to keep the dealership afloat and still have time for a life outside work, a parallel storyline tells the journey of twenty-eight year old Jack Jr. 35 years earlier.  See how the lives of Jack Jr. and Trey both differ and remain the same through years of trial and triumph.  Starring Gail O’Grady as Trey’s mother and Harry Connick Jr. as her brother.

Saturday Night Bieber

The fans of Justin Bieber in America have known about it for years, and now Europe is getting in on the fever!  See backstage at Justin Bieber’s live concerts as he tours Europe in his private jet.  His many stops include Norway where fans create a stampede and a national disaster area is declared, and Germany where the daughters of David Hasselhoff fans take to the streets to find tickets.

Reruns

“Reruns” is a retrospective, capturing all the greatest punch lines from the previous week’s sitcoms.  Who can forget the time that Barney from “How I Met Your Mother” said “and that’s why I’m not allowed in Kansas anymore!”  Well, you won’t forget because you are watching TV’s hottest new sitcom recap show, “Reruns.”

Reruns Rerun

For those who missed the half hour of hilarity airing just before this one, there is “Reruns Rerun”!  In an encore presentation the exact same episode that was just on is on again!

Captain Underpants

The overwhelmingly popular children’s book has now been made into a primetime television drama for adults!  Principal Benny Krupp has been hypnotized into being the title superhero, and it’s up to fourth graders Harold and George to control him.  Captain Underpants battles villains like Dr. Diaper and the Turbo Toilet 2000 in a loveable drama aimed at entertaining and educating those who watch.

60 Minutes: 90 Years

The program is still identical to what you are used to seeing on Sunday nights, but we added a second half of the title to represent how long the show seems to anyone under the age of 75. 

ABC’s New Fall Lineup

ABC’s New Fall Lineup

*New Program

MONDAY

7:00 Dancing with the Stars

9:00 Castle

TUESDAY

7:00 Dancing with the Stars Results Show

8:00 Sunny at Midnight*

8:30 Here Comes the Bribe*

9:00 Private Practice

WEDNESDAY

7:00 The Middle

7:30 Subergatory

8:00 Modern Family

8:30 Hard Luck Chuck*

9:00 Dark Soles*

THURSDAY

7:00 Dancing With [redacted]*

8:00 Grey’s Anatomy

9:00 Scandal

FRIDAY

7:00 Last Man Standing

7:30 S#$% [Cancelled and sold to Comedy Central]

7:30 Eleven Years*

8:00 Shark Tank

9:00 20/20: JSM*

SATURDAY

7:00 Body of Proof

8:00 Wife Swap

9:00 College Football/More Wife Swap*

SUNDAY

6:00 America’s Funniest Home Videos

7:00 Once Upon a Time

8:00 Revenge

9:00 Carr*

New Programs:

Sunny at Midnight

Sunshine Lovelace is a 28 year old single gal working second shift at a 24-hour fast food restaurant named Midnight Burgers.  Along with her coworkers, her boss, and her frequent customer aunts, Sunshine has an outrageous time while all the while searching for love.  Will she find it before it’s too late?  Or will she forever be stuck working at Midnight?

Here Comes the Bribe

Is your favorite church booked?  Is your dream reception location taken?  Did the band that you wanted to play as you walked down the aisle commit to someone else?  Don’t worry about it because Morris Hedrick (Matthew Perry) is at your service.  Morry is what people in the business call a fixer – a wedding fixer.  For a hefty fee he can make anything happen and the dreams for your big day come true.  But with his life’s work focused on the dreams of others, will Morry ever have his big day?

Hard Luck Chuck

Living on a trust of $25k a year, Chuck Grinnell lives in a rundown apartment in an even worse building.  But Chuck has plans and is looking to make it rich.  From collecting scrap metal, to inventing gadgets, to playing high stakes poker with his life savings, Chuck and his merry band of misfits will keep you laughing and crying through every attempt and inevitable failure to become a millionaire.

Dark Soles

Raised by their dad to fight supernatural forces, shoe salesmen and brothers Jared and Jensen crisscross the country in their 1967 Chevy Impala, investigating paranormal activity and picking fights with deadly demons, ghosts and monsters.

Dancing with [redacted]

The show that started all the petitions, Dancing with [redacted] exhibits world class professional dancers paired up with Michigan Wolverine fans and adults with [redacted].  Classic dances are the vertical mamba, the waltz, and swing!

S#$%

Blayne and Dane live in an apartment in West Hollywood.  Dane recently came out to his parents and moved in with his sexually insecure best friend Blayne, who is battling what appears to be a permanent case of irritable bowel syndrome.  Better watch out when this hits the fan!  Follow these two friends as they have adventures in dating the right and wrong people all the while dealing with their own problems.  TV Guide says, “You’ve never seen so many poop jokes in one place!”

Eleven Years

Blake and Amanda hated each other in high school.  Eleven years later, they were married!  Get to know Blake and Amanda as they journey through a near perfect marriage and watch flashbacks to when they were young and didn’t necessarily see eye to eye.  People change and lessons are learned in this delightful take on the love that was meant to be all along.

20/20: JSM

A respected team of reporters take on important stories in this primetime news program.  However, you will only be able to focus on one thing the entire time it is on: John Stossel’s Mustache.  Watch as it twitches and shifts with every word he speaks.  Will it move up?  To the left?  Will it tilt when he smiles?  Get your questions answered on 20/20: JSM.

College Football/More Wife Swap

The college football season is only a couple months away, and who isn’t excited for those Saturday night games?  Well get ready for an occasional showing of ABC College Football on Saturday evenings.  We have the rights to show you over three games this season!  And when we don’t, please enjoy a complimentary re-showing of the previous hour’s Wife Swap!

Carr

The perpetually ornery and indisputably brilliant Dr. Gregory Carr, a paradoxical physician who loathes his patients but has a knack for treating the most mysterious afflictions. For Carr’s hand-picked team of specialists, his brusque and often derogatory manner is often the least of their worries as they race to help Carr diagnose his patients' illnesses in time to save their lives.

Lessons

Over the years you learn things.  When you’re little you learn things like “Stove is hot” but as you get older and more experienced you learn the more important things.  I have lived to the ripe old age of thirty at this point, and I wanted to share with no one in particular, which is why I am posting it – no one reads this stuff.  So below are the top 16.  Why 16?  Do the math.

1. Stove is hot

2. Dance like everyone’s watching

3. Lie like no one is listening

4. Women who chase careers are the ones who

5. It costs like $500 to tow a disabled SUV across the state

6. Go before you leave

7. If he walks like a duck and talks like a duck, your dog is dumb

8. Smile, you may not be on Candid Camera, but the government is watching

9. A package of sausage is only as strong as its weakest link

10. If you wait until you get to work, it’s like you’re getting paid to poop

11. Oven also hot

12. Party like it’s 2004

13. Run like it’s 2006

14. If it can’t be microwaved, it’s probably worth eating

15. Installing a microwave is harder, and then easier, than it looks

16. It’s better to accept what you have than chase a stork in the sky

NBC's New Fall Lineup

NBC’s New Fall Lineup

*New Program

MONDAY

7:00 The Voice

9:00 Carbon Footprint*

TUESDAY

7:00 The Voice

8:00 Puppy Love*

8:30 I’m Still Standing*

9:00 Parenthood

WEDNESDAY

7:00 She Said Yes!*

7:30 Benny*

8:00 Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

9:00 Blank Slate*

THURSDAY

7:00 30 Rock

7:30 Up All Night

8:00 The Office

8:30 Parks and Recreation

9:00 Rock Center with Brian Williams

FRIDAY

7:00 Whitney

7:30 Community

8:00 Grimm

9:00 Dateline NBC: Exclusively Wife-Killing Husbands*

SATURDAY

7:00 Ad and Multiply*

8:00 Children of the Corn-Fed*

9:00 DSI: Miami*

SUNDAY

6:00 Dateline NBC

7:00 Fashion Star

8:00 The Celebrity Apprentice

9:00 It’s Not Pronounced ‘Bowling Ball’*

New Programs:

Carbon Footprint

Hosted by Al Gore, this enlightening weekly documentary describes 1001 ways that humans are killing the environment.  Carbon Footprint includes dramatic reenactments of ordinary people as they knowingly and unknowingly destroy the environment, and dramatic enactments of the effect on plant and animal life throughout the globe.

Puppy Love

Elliot Houseman (Zach Braff) is a shy bachelor making a go of it on his own in New York City.  Elliot works in a cubicle and lives in an apartment building that doesn’t allow pets.  But that doesn’t stop him from adopting one cute little Labrador puppy!  Between hiding his pet from the other residents and concentrating on working with a giant crush on his coworker Belle (Amy Smart), Elliot finds himself in hilarious situations week after week.

I’m Still Standing

As a writer on a sitcom based in New York City named “Blues Mothers” about a writer on a sitcom based on Elton John’s life and named “Pink Sunglasses”, Dex Moser incorporates moments from his own life into his work.  Critics love “Pink Sunglasses” and have called it “one of the greatest twice-embedded sitcoms ever written.”

She Said Yes!

Chelsea Handler, Laura Prepon and Taylor Swift anchor this spinoff of last year’s hit “Are You There, Chelsea?”  Peyton Mackenzie is a gal living on her own in New York City with a job at Macy’s, a budding Broadway career, a fiancé named Dakota, and an apartment across the hall from two attention-hogging sisters.  Follow Peyton as she struggles to become a relevant Broadway player and tries to convince Dakota to move up the wedding date.

Benny

This daring and groundbreaking new comedy shows the world from four-year-old Benny Tompkins’ point of view.  In a world that appears so big, Benny is just trying to learn the basics and make sense of what is going on around him in New York City.  Nominated for a pre-Emmy for camera work and scenes involving overheard grown-up discussions, this series is sure to put a smile on your face.

Blank Slate

John Blank never knew his father, and his mother abandoned him at an early age when she couldn’t handle the memory of the rape that conceived him.  Now John lives alone in a dark corner of New York City investigating rapes that have gone unreported or unsolved by the police.  Without knowing who their vigilante is, the victims are avenged as John Blank serves as judge, jury and possibly executioner in the faces of rapists and other monsters on the mean streets.

Dateline NBC: Exclusively Wife-Killing Husbands

Same show as regular Dateline seen on Fridays, but with a more accurate title.

Ad and Multiply

The second of NBC’s three new documentary series is presented with limited commercial interruption.  Narrated by Jack Black, this series features the most popular television and radio ads from the previous week.  On this family-friendly show you can see a weekly Top Ten countdown of the most paid for commercials.  Will your favorite commercial make it to number one?  Tune in and see!

Children of the Corn-Fed

This series documents the epidemic of obesity among the children of the Baby Boom generation.  Based in the Mid-West, see how the Baby Boomer’s active and honest lifestyles filled with manual labor such as farming and factory work led to prosperity, only to also lead to a scourge of overweight and spoiled children.  Hosted by your grandpa, hear about why this country is failing and how everyone got so “G** damn fat,” with special mentions of those “[redacted] sons of b*tches who moved into town last year.”

DSI: Miami

David Caruso stars as former homicide detective Umberto Venezuela, who leads a crack team of investigators (Death Scene Investigators) and forensic experts in solving crimes on the streets of steamy Miami. Together they scrutinize the evidence to bring heinous criminals to justice.

It’s Not Pronounced ‘Bowling Ball’

Stephanie Duckling is a housewife on a mission.  Her goal?  Getting by.  Living with her husband Alan (Mark Wahlberg), her two-year old daughter and her infant twin daughters, Stephanie (played by newcomer Stephan Bowlinball) juggles a demanding job, a suspect daycare, exploding diapers and extended family (with guest appearances by Ellen DeGeneres as Stephanie’s mother-in-law and Kate Upton as Alan’s ex-wife).  Enjoy a colorful portrayal of life outside the suburbs in this family drama featuring musical numbers and celebrity cameos.

Fox's New Fall Lineup

FOX’s New Fall Lineup

*New Program

MONDAY

7:00 Bones

8:00 Rabbi(t)*

TUESDAY

7:00 Raising Hope

7:30 Hannah in LA*

8:00 New Girl

8:30 &%$# You!*

WEDNESDAY

7:00 American Idol

THURSDAY

7:00 American Idol Rewind*

8:00 Glee

FRIDAY

7:00 Touch

8:00 Fringe

SATURDAY

6:00 Cops

6:30 Cops

7:00 Reality Kills Live*

8:00 Sharon*

SUNDAY (Animation Domination)

6:00 The Cleveland Show

6:30 Margaritaville*

7:00 The Simpsons

7:30 The Cleveland Jr Show*

8:00 Family Guy

8:30 American Dad

New Programs:

Rabbi(t)

Hugh Laurie stars as the Easter Bunny in this dark comedy about finding one’s identity.  The Easter Bunny is a Jewish minister who has been adopted by the Christian community as an icon.  Along with his friend SpongeBob Squarepants (a straight man upheld as a gay icon) they visit the lesser known parts of New York City and meet interesting people that help them come to terms with their own fame.

Hannah in LA

Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus) is growing up now and going to college at USC.  Along with her friends she attends fraternity parties, studies for exams, and goes on the spring breaks of her lifetime.  See her interact with her revolving door of boyfriends including Vinnie (Frankie Muniz) and kid genius Manny (Rico Rodriguez).

&%$# You!

Rob Schneider has been in over forty sitcom pilots, 16 of which have made it to primetime television only to fail before the end of the first season.  In this sitcom we watch as Rob fails and fails again trying to make it back into showbiz.  This half hour gem involves Rob Schneider (writer and director) who has about as much respect for the viewing audience as they have for him, and he forces it down their throats.  &%$# You!

American Idol Rewind

American Idol Rewind is a half hour highlight show that exhibits the most popular moments from the previous night’s American Idol episode – minus the singing.  A great way to catch up on Ryan Seacrest’s snarky comments and Jennifer Lopez in HD – Ooh La La!

Reality Kills Live

This live audience interactive reality shows pits two insects against one another.  For the first ¾ of each episode the audience watches the two insects in jars on each side of a split screen and votes online to name the insects.  After the names are chosen, a furious online voting campaign begins to choose which of these insects will die, ending with the now infamous boot of RKL host Nick Lachey stomping on the loser.

Sharon

In a gripping series that is sure to induce tears of sadness, fury and laughter, Sharon (Julianne Moore) tries to get by the grind of daily life that is anything but routine.  Living with her husband, adult son, granddaughter and occasionally her grandchild’s mother, Sharon provides the sole income of the household and tries to balance romantic, maternal and tough love without losing it all.

Margaritaville

James is a down on his luck musician who played his final show on the smallest Hawaiian island when he ran out of money.  Watch weekly as he tries new schemes to make money and con tourists in order to get back to his home in Nebraska.  James is helped out by his friends and his pet parrot Iago (voiced by Gilbert Gottfried).  Hilarious hi-jinks ensue.

The Cleveland Jr Show

Seth MacFarlane creates yet another freaking spin-off show with one of his least funny characters.  Follow Cleveland Brown's son Cleveland Brown Jr. (Seth MacFarlane) as he moves to... I don't know... let's say Georgia, to live with his Chinese Aunt JuJu (Seth MacFarlane) and Uncle Chow Lee (Seth MacFarlane).  Yep.