The View From My Office

Bathroom Story

I sat at my desk yesterday afternoon as the clock approached leaving time.  I felt an urge inside me that a person would normally feel after eating food, and then that food is digested in chemical reactions, thus creating different states of matter; mainly the focus here would be on gas.  So I decided to take my problem to the restroom on my way out of the building to pick up the kids and go home.

When I arrived at the restroom there was a man using one of the urinals, and as far as comfortability went, I wasn’t feeling any when it came to releasing my intestinal hostage and I decided that I would wait until he left, but so as to not seem awkward I decided to use the urinal.  I stood beside him and took my time as he was also taking his and my goal was to leave after him rather than race him to the finish.  Even after I was technically done I stood a while longer just faking the situation while he took his own sweet time and eventually finished.  I called it a draw and chose instead to outlast him at the sinks as we washed our hands.

You know, I always wondered how many germs actually manage to get to the private areas, and how many of those transfer to my hands while in the restroom.  Is washing hands always needed?  I say yes because I enjoy washing my hands every thirty to forty-five minutes of keyboard use as those keys spend all their time touching germy hands.  My restroom friend went to sink number three – my favorite sink since it is least likely to expel boiling lava hot water – which forced me to go to sink number one.  I moved deliberately slowly and thoroughly rinsed my hands before reaching for soap.  My restroom friend was using the same technique as I monitored him through my peripherals.

I then decided that today was the day I would follow the flu prevention flier and lather my hands for a full thirty seconds in order to take longer and outlast this man.  I noticed that my friend kept looking at me.  He was not looking directly at me, but looking at me through the mirror, as if monitoring my progress the way I monitored his.  I made sure to soap every square centimeter of my hands, reaching partway up my forearms and getting every spot between each finger.  My friend somehow was taking exactly as long as me.

As the pressure that originally sent me to the restroom was building inside of me I became frustrated and started the rinsing process.  Again I made sure to miss no single cell of skin as I rinsed off the soap.  My friend, who was quickly becoming my nemesis, continued to monitor me through the mirror and also rinsed his hands for a deliberately and wastefully long time.

My last chance was drying my hands.  I tore a paper towel off the dispenser and waited until it returned another.  Then I tore off the second and waited for a third.  After I acquired the third paper towel I started drying every inch of my hands.  I was not to be successful, though, as my nemesis was taking a fourth, and then a fifth paper towel and was sure to outlast me in the drying competition.

I gave up and left.  I walked out of the restroom and down the hallway to the stairs.  Pressure built even quicker as I participated in even the slightest bit of physical activity.  My need to find privacy was more urgent and I knew my first chance to relive the pressure with a minimum negative impact to others was when I reached my floor in the parking ramp.  I walked with a group of people to the ramp and waited for the elevator that would carry me to the 8^th floor.  I became noticeably uncomfortable and twisted on one leg while I stood.  Eventually the elevator arrived and I boarded with several others who would no doubt (and certainly did) make me stop on nearly every earlier floor and delay the release of my pain.

Finally I reached the 8^th floor as the sole occupant of the elevator.  I walked out the door and made a quick check to see if anyone was there.  Then I let it go.  It was wonderful and disgusting.  It sounded worse than the noise a cat makes throwing up into an overflowing toilet.  It even lasted a full two seconds, which, if you think about it, is actually a really long time for such an event.  And it was so, so relieving – for the first second.  Unfortunately, in my hurry I didn’t notice the sound of someone rushing up the stairs next to the elevator.  Someone was a mere 15 feet behind me when I did it.

I told myself not to turn around.  Just keep walking, keep walking until I get to my car.  I couldn’t help it; I had to know who it was.  What if I know them?  What if I see them later and they make a weird face at me?  Who is this person that now has the upper hand?  Please don’t let it be one of the women in the cubicle near mine, but don’t look back!  I turned around anyway.  It was my restroom nemesis.  Damnit.

NBC's New Fall Lineup

NBC’s New Fall Lineup

*New Program

MONDAY

7:00 The Voice

9:00 Carbon Footprint*

TUESDAY

7:00 The Voice

8:00 Puppy Love*

8:30 I’m Still Standing*

9:00 Parenthood

WEDNESDAY

7:00 She Said Yes!*

7:30 Benny*

8:00 Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

9:00 Blank Slate*

THURSDAY

7:00 30 Rock

7:30 Up All Night

8:00 The Office

8:30 Parks and Recreation

9:00 Rock Center with Brian Williams

FRIDAY

7:00 Whitney

7:30 Community

8:00 Grimm

9:00 Dateline NBC: Exclusively Wife-Killing Husbands*

SATURDAY

7:00 Ad and Multiply*

8:00 Children of the Corn-Fed*

9:00 DSI: Miami*

SUNDAY

6:00 Dateline NBC

7:00 Fashion Star

8:00 The Celebrity Apprentice

9:00 It’s Not Pronounced ‘Bowling Ball’*

New Programs:

Carbon Footprint

Hosted by Al Gore, this enlightening weekly documentary describes 1001 ways that humans are killing the environment.  Carbon Footprint includes dramatic reenactments of ordinary people as they knowingly and unknowingly destroy the environment, and dramatic enactments of the effect on plant and animal life throughout the globe.

Puppy Love

Elliot Houseman (Zach Braff) is a shy bachelor making a go of it on his own in New York City.  Elliot works in a cubicle and lives in an apartment building that doesn’t allow pets.  But that doesn’t stop him from adopting one cute little Labrador puppy!  Between hiding his pet from the other residents and concentrating on working with a giant crush on his coworker Belle (Amy Smart), Elliot finds himself in hilarious situations week after week.

I’m Still Standing

As a writer on a sitcom based in New York City named “Blues Mothers” about a writer on a sitcom based on Elton John’s life and named “Pink Sunglasses”, Dex Moser incorporates moments from his own life into his work.  Critics love “Pink Sunglasses” and have called it “one of the greatest twice-embedded sitcoms ever written.”

She Said Yes!

Chelsea Handler, Laura Prepon and Taylor Swift anchor this spinoff of last year’s hit “Are You There, Chelsea?”  Peyton Mackenzie is a gal living on her own in New York City with a job at Macy’s, a budding Broadway career, a fiancé named Dakota, and an apartment across the hall from two attention-hogging sisters.  Follow Peyton as she struggles to become a relevant Broadway player and tries to convince Dakota to move up the wedding date.

Benny

This daring and groundbreaking new comedy shows the world from four-year-old Benny Tompkins’ point of view.  In a world that appears so big, Benny is just trying to learn the basics and make sense of what is going on around him in New York City.  Nominated for a pre-Emmy for camera work and scenes involving overheard grown-up discussions, this series is sure to put a smile on your face.

Blank Slate

John Blank never knew his father, and his mother abandoned him at an early age when she couldn’t handle the memory of the rape that conceived him.  Now John lives alone in a dark corner of New York City investigating rapes that have gone unreported or unsolved by the police.  Without knowing who their vigilante is, the victims are avenged as John Blank serves as judge, jury and possibly executioner in the faces of rapists and other monsters on the mean streets.

Dateline NBC: Exclusively Wife-Killing Husbands

Same show as regular Dateline seen on Fridays, but with a more accurate title.

Ad and Multiply

The second of NBC’s three new documentary series is presented with limited commercial interruption.  Narrated by Jack Black, this series features the most popular television and radio ads from the previous week.  On this family-friendly show you can see a weekly Top Ten countdown of the most paid for commercials.  Will your favorite commercial make it to number one?  Tune in and see!

Children of the Corn-Fed

This series documents the epidemic of obesity among the children of the Baby Boom generation.  Based in the Mid-West, see how the Baby Boomer’s active and honest lifestyles filled with manual labor such as farming and factory work led to prosperity, only to also lead to a scourge of overweight and spoiled children.  Hosted by your grandpa, hear about why this country is failing and how everyone got so “G** damn fat,” with special mentions of those “[redacted] sons of b*tches who moved into town last year.”

DSI: Miami

David Caruso stars as former homicide detective Umberto Venezuela, who leads a crack team of investigators (Death Scene Investigators) and forensic experts in solving crimes on the streets of steamy Miami. Together they scrutinize the evidence to bring heinous criminals to justice.

It’s Not Pronounced ‘Bowling Ball’

Stephanie Duckling is a housewife on a mission.  Her goal?  Getting by.  Living with her husband Alan (Mark Wahlberg), her two-year old daughter and her infant twin daughters, Stephanie (played by newcomer Stephan Bowlinball) juggles a demanding job, a suspect daycare, exploding diapers and extended family (with guest appearances by Ellen DeGeneres as Stephanie’s mother-in-law and Kate Upton as Alan’s ex-wife).  Enjoy a colorful portrayal of life outside the suburbs in this family drama featuring musical numbers and celebrity cameos.